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Brett Waite's History Workbook
Brett Waite's History Workbook is large, maroon excercise book given to him at the start of the school year. Outwardly, it is not unusual. Cartoons The book is half-full of prepostrous, childish drawings (all of which were done by Waite). The situation has become so bad that Waite has only half a page left for work in the book. Below are a list of all his cartoons (some may have been forgotten). The Ship This was the first drawing to be made. It features a large, unidentifiable mess of scribble which has the word "SHIP" written across it. Parliament/Parlament Though not really a cartoon, this features the word "parliament" written twice. Only one of the repetitions is spelt correctly. The Swearing Duck This features a duck (or other billed creature) making obscene gestures with its hands(?). The duck has a rather angry expression on it's face and is sporting a handlebar moustache. Andrews=God This image features Tom Andrews, leader of the Andrews Ministerium, seated on a throne. The throne is resting on a pile of what are labelled as "chav skulls". Andrews is wielding a sceptre, attatched to which is a phone, which is alluded to be calling Dorne's number. Andrews has a furious expression on his face and is seen to be shouting, "DIE PIKEYS!". Asquith vs. Camel Spider One of the longest cartoon (in that it consumes several pages) this depicts Asquith being attacked by a large camel spider. The spider is seen to fly horizontally towards her (a talent which real camel spiders lack). The spider then bites Asquith repeatedly, leaving her dead. The next image reveals that the spider was trained to do so by Fawcus, who is seen to be holding the spider on a lead. He Is Watching You This cartoon, though small, is the most ubiquitous of them all. It is a small doodle of an ellipse, drawn upon which are a pair of angry staring eyes. The words, "He is watching you" are written near to the ellipse's head. This drawing is repeated over at least 10 pages of the book, and always in exactly the same area of the page, giving the reader the idea that they are indeed being followed. He Is Watching You was also part of Conglomerate 1. Conglomerate 1 This is a large collection of unrelated images. It features a rather accurate caricature of Sonic the Hedgehog, as well as an angry miniature schnauzer (labelled "angry schnoozer"). Waite explained that the schnauzer is angry due to it's proximity to a record player. It also features a donkey with a stupid looking human face labelled "Donkey Connor" and a large penis labelled "David did this." The Danger Zone The most complex of the drawings. The Danger Zone is a jungle scene, where a thick canopy of leaves (labelled "DANGER ZONE") overlooks a series of trees. Swinging from a vine between tree to tree is a small monkey (inferred to be Asquith). However, just emerging from the Danger Zone are a number of hazardous things, such as "spiders", sandpaper, flamethrowers and finally a quintet of telephones, each of which is calling Dorne. On the jungle floor, a motley collection of villains can be found, including a child wielding a pair of large blades manically (labelled "David on lucozade"), a giant blender, a gay lion, "Flying TNT", Dorne's car, and Fawcus and his pet camel spider, all of whom are staring angrily at the monkey. Randy Rory Randy Rory is a drawing of a small, fat child with a very bothered expression upon his face. Randy Rory is always drawn next to an electric fan, as "he is always erect". What Barlow Would Have Looked Like If His Mother Had Fallen Over During The Closing Months Of Pregnancy This depicts a grotesque face. The Tapestry Of Cocks Although this was drawn in a different book, it is still worthy of mention. The Tapestry of Cocks is a single page, which has been decorated by a border of poorly drawn penises. These penises are anatomically innacurate, as one testicle is often drawn larger than the other. The main area of the page is free of penises, but even so, there are at least 20. Ass-quiff This depicts a pair of arse-cheeks with a face and hair drawn on them. The Scoreboard Though technically independant of the book, the Scoreboard was essential in keeping track of the witty things that Asquith and Andrews had said to one another. Before it's destruction, the final score was Andrews: 47, Asquith: 5. Notable events during the existence of the Scoreboard George Barlow achieved a record low-score of -4. According to the rules of the Board, if one person should earn five points during a single lesson, they would be awarded a bonus point (said with the French pronunciation of pwah.). The first bonus point was awarded to Andrews. Andrews also became the first (and only) person to be awarded 5 bonus points in a single lesson. He did not receive a special award for this. Asquith also tried to destroy the Board numerous times, but each time she was foiled by a compact disc on a stick, or, when the disc was not available, simple algebra. Asquith also tried to fraudulently generate points for herself. During the days when the Board was pinned to the wall (and as such the entire class payed heed to it) Asquith attempted to draw a number of marks on her side of the board. This raised her score from 7 to 13, which paled into insignifance compared to Andrews' score of 29. As a result, Ramsay approached the board, circled the faked points, and wrote "bollocks". next to them. Because the Board was pinned to the wall, more people began to join in. As well as the original contestants, Andrews and Asquith, the board also accomodated Connor Cassidy, Jack Ramsay, George Barlow (where he would achieve his epic low score of -4) Connor Powell, Alex Robinson, David Pettinger, and Brett Waite. Destruction of the Board, and the introduction of the Second Board Waite handed Asquith the board voluntarily, then took it back and stuck it to the wall. Asquith failed to retaliate. After Andrews' score approached 50, the board was violently destroyed by Asquith and some of her lackeys. However, Waite had cloned the Board before surrendering it, and this Second Board continues to exist today, though no score has been noted for over 2 weeks and the Second Board is mainly ceremonial. Get It On Like Donkey Kong This cartoon features a poorly-drawn Donkey Kong stood next to a noticeboard of some sort and pointing at it with a ruler. The noticeboard is mainly filled with squiggly lines, but features a stick figure and what seems to be a sheet of paper. There is a footnote, which reads: "Donkey Kong is not a real fact, figure or entertainment factor and should not be worshipped as a reliable god or other such professions." '' CAMUL SPIDER A misspelling of "Camel Spider", this single-page drawing shows a large (inaccurate) drawing of a camel spider's face, next to which is a Pokeball. Fawcus vs. Walker This cartoon shows Fawcus challenging Walker to a fight, with Walker responding "''Er, yes. Er, no. Er, sometimes." Our Bund The "Bund" (band) depicts four persons singing on a stage. "Andy" (Tom Andrews) is the lead singer, "meh" (Waite) is a very diminutive figure who can barely be seen behind his guitar, "Sam", in the distance, on the drums, and "Hugh", playing the bass guitar. The Asquith Chicken This is a large and prepostrous looking chicken with a perplexed look on it's face. The chicken is wearing a bow and has a small fringe. D.O.R.N.E. This simple riddle takes up one page. The answer, obviously, is Dorne. Do you criticise her meme, Or even speak uncleanly of her, Rarely she will let you it slide, but Never will she let you survive. Even with this strange riddle, the answer is clear. Red Souce Red Souce (sauce) is an abstract cartoon. It shows a bottle of ketchup (labelled "Red Surce") depositing some sauce onto a nearby burger bun. However, the sauce is seen to exit the bottle at a 90 degree angle. Rory The Randy Car This shows a car shaped somewhat like a penis. The car seems to be travelling very quickly. I love you, Ascwif! This poorly spelt message covers a single page. Lesbiuns This depicts two female stick figures, who are supposedly kissing one another (depsite one of them bearing her teeth). The title has been crossed out for some reason. BUY A GUN! (from David) This ill thought out advice is followed by two disclaimers, "[Prices start from £29.99]" ''and "to availability" Beryde & Grum The Beryde & Grum (Bride and Groom) cartoon takes up two pages. The bride (Beryde) is seen as a hideous woman, while the groom (Grum) is a small man who is distracted by someone shouting "Brownies!". He is stood next to a table (which is taller than him) upon which the aforementioned brownies sit. Cowboy Asquith This shows a long haired person carrying a gun. On The opposite page, a person wearing a helicopter hat with a devilish expression on his face is observing the "Cowboy". "We're almost at the sun" This cartoon gets it's title from a quote given by one of the houseflies. There are two houseflies in the picture, both of which are flying towards an electric fan. The one on the left remarks, "That's where heaven is..." to which the other responds "''We're almost at the sun." Bandaged Wing This shows an enourmous housefly riding a bicycle towards a puddle labelled "poo". The fly has presumably chosen the bicycle due to it's "Bandaged Wing". Conglomerate 2 This features a large pile of random assorted things. From top to bottom, the things are: *Randy Rory *An Anvil *A guitar *An amplifier which has caught fire *Another guitar, this one wired to the burning amp above it *A poster reading "VOTE ANDREWS" *A car *A cooker *A bin *A nightstick *A microphone with the end shaped like a bowling ball. At the side of this pile is a scissorlift, on top of which is a building labelled "BROTHEL!". The window of this Brothel is directly in line with the eyesight of Randy Rory, giving the idea that he assembled the pile in order to peek through the window. Bee-Hen-Pea! This shows a bee, a hen and a pea. The name is a play on the British National Party, or BNP. Conglomerate 3 This takes place over 3 pages, though the first page is divided in two to accomodate two drawings. The first drawing shows a man who slightly resembles Toad from the Mario games, and a horned sheep. The words "Meyer(?) man vs. Sheeeeep man=" cna be seen in the middle. The second cartoon shows some kind of military commando in a forest clutching a knife. He is approaching a house shaped like a mushroom (another reference to the Mario frnachise) which is labelled "Hitler's House." The third and final cartoon shows two people. It is also the last cartoon to be drawn in the back of the book. It shows a man with a Hitler moustache and a swastika on his chest preparing to fight a small dragon which is wearing an England shirt. The man os carrying a small gun and wearing a hat with a "H" on it (a third reference to Mario). The dragon merely looks enraged. Dorne's Toothbrush This shows a stupid looking girl riding a bicycle towards a small jump. However, behind the jump is an extremely sharp toothbrush, which, instead of bristles, simply has 3 large blades. A man is lain across 2 of the blades; presumably he is dead. Falley 3 is giy The title explains it all. Rugged David This is one of the smallest cartoons. It depicts an unshaven man with a grim expression on his face, with the label "rugged David" next to the face. Elf's is thieir know A grossly incorrect rendition of "Elves are there now", Waite attempted to make every grammatical mistake possible. Andrews marked this statement, writing "NO" at the bottom, giving it an "F" grade, and writing "What is this crock of shit?" beneath the words. The Penguin A fat penguin is seen from overhead. A caption reads, "This wuz ''(was) ''wer ''(where) ''my penguin was before George McTwatty Barlow took it to consimate ''(consummate) ''his love with it. ZE END!" Andrews' Moles This cartoon does not occur in the Workbook, but is worthy of mention. The cartoon was drawn by Katrina "High-low five" Pugh, member of the Ministerium. The cartoon features several moles, with the caption "Andrews Moles, gotta catch 'em all!" there is also a gypsy cart pulled by a one-eyed horse. A nearby gypsy is seen to be aflame, and he is proclaiming "I've got the big hairy one!" There is a caption, reading "because only gypsies couldn't afford Pokémon cards." Another element of the cartoon is a peanut towards the bottom of the cartoon, which seems to have extreme body odour. The peanut is labelled "Barlow the peanut". An angry face is seen in the corner, labelled "David the angry racist". Category:WTF